Guest writer series

I should feel honored that the king of hipsters, Pisculli, would grace my blog with his witty observations. What a way to return to blogging! His entry on a very important hipster sub-type follows:

Hipster sub-types

The nerd-hipster

The nerd-hipster a class of hipster most noted for their interest in tech, gaming, or comics. This is basically a nerd, but one that uses the veil of irony to flaunt these interest in public and thusly becoming cool because of it.

Often using childhood nostalgia as their "vintage"; this hipster will resort to the NES or Gameboy as the respective console and handheld of choice. Ask them if they love Pokemon, go on, I'll wait. See.

Inversely, they will prefer cutting edge tech to meet their need to stay ahead of the curve (read: have MacBook Pros).

Their musical preference is chiptune (you probably never heard of the entire genre), a form of electronica made up of video game sound effects from the 8-bit era.

They read Scott Pilgrim and thought it was better than the movie. They've expressed this opinion on their tumblr and twitter accounts with the Instagram and Hipstamatic pics of their 6 volume collection to prove it.

The nerd-hipster is mainly identified by thick-rimmed oversized glasses and an often more groomed appearance than the average hipster. While the males are usually beardless they will don a bowtie in it's stead.

The female nerd-hipster, identified by frames without lenses and something Hello Kitty, is rarely seen in public... or will not talk to me (If one of you read this: Hey, I think you're cute and I like your blog).

Why do hipsters wear vintage?

It's obvious to see that most hipsters look like fashion history threw up all over them.  Yes, hipster, I see your clever mish-mash of 70s high waisted jeans, your awesome 80s wayfarers and ironic 90s "M.A.S.H." tee, what I don't understand is why is do they purchase these items instead of just going through you mom's closet.

I suppose today's fashions are too functional and that always gets in the way of coolness.

Why do hipsters love Urban Outfitters and American Apparel?

The thing is that both of these establishments offer, for the most part, shoddily made clothes for outlandish prices. Is it really necessary to charge $35 for a neon pink t-shirt with some paint splatter?

Is it justified? No.
Is it trendy? I guess.

Why do hipsters go entire weeks without washing their hair?

Are they deliberately trying to look dirty or are they legitimately so busy with their hipster activities that they couldn't sneak in a shower? Kids, hygiene is not difficult, I promise.

Is this another way to look like they don't care? If so, is this example of nonchalance planned? If that's the case, you are gross and your bad hygiene habits aren't even accidental or the result of bad upbringing.

Here's an easy reminder: if you look like you hang out with Ke$ha, you should find the nearest source of water STAT!

Hipster guest writer series

I'm very excited to begin what I hope will be a weekly series of guest writers, mostly because a hipster's worth grows exponentially by the amount of friends he or she has. Without further ado, I introduce one of my most lovely hipster friends, Mr. Darth Kerouacus:


There's a reason Polaroid stopped making instant film. It sucks. At a dollar per photo (when film was actually available), the massive white frame around a miserable picture of your unimpressive and needlessly bespectacled hipster friend and/or cat, makes your photos look stupid. And, instant? I could listen to all of The Smiths' good songs in the time it takes to develop a Polaroid photograph. Oh, aren't you a quick one! That's right, there are no good Smiths songs.

Now, consider digital photos. They completely negate (pun) the need for instant film. You can't upload your Polaroid photograph to Facebook and tag your cat in it. Oh, but you can! Because there are 382 apps that can instantly cut your photograph's quality by a factor of ten, wash most of the color out, and throw an off-white border around it. The irony of that border? In Polaroids, it holds the photo's negative. What's in the border of a digitally rendered Polaroid photo? Just negative emotions, and irony. I know you understand irony. You paid five dollars too much for that PBR tallboy.

Let's draw some analogies, because that's more fun than watching a Polaroid photo develop. Making a high-quality photograph look like a low-quality Polaroid is like taking a high-fidelity audio recording, playing it over the phone to your white Macbook, making a crappy mp3, and uploading it to iTunes under the name Vampire Weekend. Oh wait, that's a true story. Okay, it's more like canceling your newspaper subscription and spending $700 on an Apple device only to find that all you do with it is read the newspaper...

Forget it, hipster.
 
-Darth Kerouacus

Why do hipsters love owls?

All of a sudden I've noticed an owl resurgence. Some questions I've come up with in relation to this topic:

-Is the owl the hipster mascot?
-Do they like owls so much because, like the typical hipter, the owl is a nocturnal being?
-Is this some ironic Harry Potter reference?

If the last one is true, Hedwig is not amused.

Why do hipsters like thrifting?

This may have something to do with yesterday's post, which touched on why hipsters never have any money, or it may have something to do with the fact that hipsters love looking like they've time traveled into 2011 from 1975. Of course, hipsters would never actually survive in 1975, with the lack of internet and iphones and all.

Maybe thrifting is about being "green". Fashion goes in cycles, and there's no cycle like recycle. I hope you're holding on to those awesome JNCOs from your angsty days in high school, they'll come back in style around 2025.

Aw come on, who am I kidding? Thrifting is about finding something so unique, something so vintage, that you know nobody else will have it. It's the ultimate validation tool of hipsterdom. Finding a one-of-a-kind article is true affirmation that you are one-of-a-kind as well.

Who needs therapy, anyway?