Why do hipsters wear vintage?

It's obvious to see that most hipsters look like fashion history threw up all over them.  Yes, hipster, I see your clever mish-mash of 70s high waisted jeans, your awesome 80s wayfarers and ironic 90s "M.A.S.H." tee, what I don't understand is why is do they purchase these items instead of just going through you mom's closet.

I suppose today's fashions are too functional and that always gets in the way of coolness.

Why do hipsters love Urban Outfitters and American Apparel?

The thing is that both of these establishments offer, for the most part, shoddily made clothes for outlandish prices. Is it really necessary to charge $35 for a neon pink t-shirt with some paint splatter?

Is it justified? No.
Is it trendy? I guess.

Why do hipsters go entire weeks without washing their hair?

Are they deliberately trying to look dirty or are they legitimately so busy with their hipster activities that they couldn't sneak in a shower? Kids, hygiene is not difficult, I promise.

Is this another way to look like they don't care? If so, is this example of nonchalance planned? If that's the case, you are gross and your bad hygiene habits aren't even accidental or the result of bad upbringing.

Here's an easy reminder: if you look like you hang out with Ke$ha, you should find the nearest source of water STAT!

Hipster guest writer series

I'm very excited to begin what I hope will be a weekly series of guest writers, mostly because a hipster's worth grows exponentially by the amount of friends he or she has. Without further ado, I introduce one of my most lovely hipster friends, Mr. Darth Kerouacus:


There's a reason Polaroid stopped making instant film. It sucks. At a dollar per photo (when film was actually available), the massive white frame around a miserable picture of your unimpressive and needlessly bespectacled hipster friend and/or cat, makes your photos look stupid. And, instant? I could listen to all of The Smiths' good songs in the time it takes to develop a Polaroid photograph. Oh, aren't you a quick one! That's right, there are no good Smiths songs.

Now, consider digital photos. They completely negate (pun) the need for instant film. You can't upload your Polaroid photograph to Facebook and tag your cat in it. Oh, but you can! Because there are 382 apps that can instantly cut your photograph's quality by a factor of ten, wash most of the color out, and throw an off-white border around it. The irony of that border? In Polaroids, it holds the photo's negative. What's in the border of a digitally rendered Polaroid photo? Just negative emotions, and irony. I know you understand irony. You paid five dollars too much for that PBR tallboy.

Let's draw some analogies, because that's more fun than watching a Polaroid photo develop. Making a high-quality photograph look like a low-quality Polaroid is like taking a high-fidelity audio recording, playing it over the phone to your white Macbook, making a crappy mp3, and uploading it to iTunes under the name Vampire Weekend. Oh wait, that's a true story. Okay, it's more like canceling your newspaper subscription and spending $700 on an Apple device only to find that all you do with it is read the newspaper...

Forget it, hipster.
 
-Darth Kerouacus

Why do hipsters love owls?

All of a sudden I've noticed an owl resurgence. Some questions I've come up with in relation to this topic:

-Is the owl the hipster mascot?
-Do they like owls so much because, like the typical hipter, the owl is a nocturnal being?
-Is this some ironic Harry Potter reference?

If the last one is true, Hedwig is not amused.

Why do hipsters like thrifting?

This may have something to do with yesterday's post, which touched on why hipsters never have any money, or it may have something to do with the fact that hipsters love looking like they've time traveled into 2011 from 1975. Of course, hipsters would never actually survive in 1975, with the lack of internet and iphones and all.

Maybe thrifting is about being "green". Fashion goes in cycles, and there's no cycle like recycle. I hope you're holding on to those awesome JNCOs from your angsty days in high school, they'll come back in style around 2025.

Aw come on, who am I kidding? Thrifting is about finding something so unique, something so vintage, that you know nobody else will have it. It's the ultimate validation tool of hipsterdom. Finding a one-of-a-kind article is true affirmation that you are one-of-a-kind as well.

Who needs therapy, anyway?

Why don't hipsters have real jobs?

I started to wonder about this when I noticed that hipsters are always broke. My guesses for that range from "being a starving artist must be really cool" to "they probably spent all their money on cocaine, American Apparel and Starbucks."

The bottom line is that most hipsters simply don't have jobs that require them to show up hangover-free. This, of course, means said jobs don't pay much more than minimum wage, thus perpetuating a vicious cycle.

Ultimately, having a mainstream job would mean they are, by definition, also mainstream. This would result in an identity crisis, which in turn would cause their brains to explode.

Why do hipsters wear graphic tees?

Be it thrifted or bought on the interweb, there's one article of clothing almost every hipster owns: the graphic tee. I can tell by your underdeveloped biceps that you do not indeed have tickets to the gun show.

Also you are not fooling anyone by buying your t-shirt already poorly pre-distressed. Everyone can tell you're not wearing your grandpa's baseball team's t-shirt, because we all shop at Urban too, and we all saw that same t-shirt on their display case. You're not being original and you're not being funny, but nice try.

Please, please, please, don't wear this t-shirt if you don't know who this person is:

why do hipsters use hipstamatic?

Obviously, as the name implies, the hipstamatic app was made for hipsters (note that this is only an iphone app, a subject I will touch on later in this series). Does applying a green filter to an otherwise normal photo make it that much better? Do they love vintage-looking photos because it matches their awesome thrifted sundresses? Or do they just use hipstamatic to document their hipster lives because of its name?

Return to list of posts

You artsy fucks.

Why do hipsters claim to be vegans?

I don't much oppose the  practice of veganism, the problem lies in the fact that hipsters claim to be vegans so they can brag about being holier-than-thou. Now I know a whole slew of hipsters who are so goddamned concerned about their bodies (it's a temple, dontcha know?), what I can't figure out is why they still drink and smoke and do tons of blow.

Is it organic cocaine you're doing?

Why do hipsters drink PBR?

This post isn't solely driven by the beer elitist living inside of me, but come on, ultimately PBR is gross and low in alcohol content.

The counterargument most used in this debate is that it's just so cheap.  My counter-counterargument is this: a hipster holding a PBR can is comparable to a guido wearing a bedazzled Ed Hardy shirt. It's just another accessory.

But hey, it goes well with those sweet wayfarers, kid!

Why do hipsters always deny their hipsterdom?

I don't get this one, it's as if admitting to being a hipster is some dirty little secret nobody's allowed to talk about. At least not when referring to oneself, as hipsters will always call out another hipster while vehemently denying their own status.

I wonder if it's similar to calling oneself humble, you're only one if someone else says it. If so, then is coming out of their (Urban Outfitters/sweet thrifted finds-stocked) closets considered trying too hard? Does it clash with their nonchalant attitudes? Does it automatically make you NOT a hipster?

Some questions may never be answered.

Why do hipsters wear eyeglass frames with no prescription?

When I was in middle school, I got made fun of a whole lot because I had to wear glasses. It was the epitome of uncoolness. Now I see hipsters wearing glasses without the prescription lenses; what's the deal? Is it to project an air of intelligence? Is it because it's just so cool to be different? Is nerd the new black? Or is it d) all the above?

Why do hipsters ride fixed gear bikes?

Why do hipsters ride fixies? Bicycles have evolved to have gears and brakes not only for safety reasons, but also to improve the overall ease of the ride, so it can't be that they're superior. 

It must be another of those bragging-rights things.

On this episode of why do hipsters: Why do hipsters have blogs?

It seems hipsters must use every source of internet-related communications for attention. Is it really necessary for you update facebook, twitter, tumblr and blog every twenty minutes about your exclusive record collection?

Answer: yes.